The Road to an ADHD diagnosis

By now it’s no secret that Alexis has autism. I can see it in her every day life;  the small signs of autism rearing it’s characteristics in my daughter.
The confusion on her face when she sees someones reaction.
The mirror of someone’s expression I see on her face.
I see the confusion when she thinks she is supposed to be laughing, but the person she is communicating with is upset.
Her interaction with children her age is more a parallel play ground than playing with them.
The melt downs, the crying, the confusion, the frustration, the transition from one thing to another, the anger when she isn’t ready or doesn’t have enough warning about things changing.
Routines gone bad.
It’s all triggers for my girl, it’s all there yet so mild that most think of her as a goofy 5 year old. A hyper fun silly and unique 5 year old. Trust me, I see it too. Her awkwardness and silliness to those around her causes her to act out and most of the time you can’t help but laugh at her silly statements or the confused answers she gives. It’s easy to chalk it up to laughter and silliness, but it’s deeper than that.

Being around family over this past Holiday season was not only an eye opener, but a reminder that most view her as a “normal” kindergartner and probably question what in the world this “autism” diagnosis has to do with their little niece, grand daughter, cousin and friend.

What you don’t see is our behind the scenes and the way I know my daughter. When you come in for a hug and she is in a world of hurt not expecting that. She may run away, she may scream in pain and most of the time, when she receives unwanted affection, she screams.

Autism shows it’s head every day and with out warning, but what causes her  most distress is the diagnosed ADHD symptoms. She spins, she role plays, she reacts, she thinks, she hums, she sings and she moves… constantly. There is no off button, and there is no telling her to stop. To have no control over ones own body must be infuriating. To hear her cries and screams “I CAN’T CONTROL MY BODY” not only hurts to hear, but hurts to watch.

Over the last couple weeks it’s been a painful realization that not only does Alexis have Autism, but she is also going to suffer from ADHD. I guess a part of me has always known this, but the fear of what the doctors are going to suggest when we receive this official word is terrifying. MEDICATION!!

How can I medicate a 5 year old who only weighs 40lbs? She’s my little baby.

I put off what needs to happen, the doctor appointments, the therapies because I’m scared but I am doing NO GOOD with this procrastination of the inevitable.

So here we go, into 2017 with a year full of doctor visits, evaluations, debates over medication or not, therapies. In the long run these things are all good. She is so young and we are getting a head start on her future and for that I am so thankful. But I’m scared.

What do you stand for?

I wouldn’t say I have a large amount of friends on my Facebook page. To be honest, in comparison to some I really am the size of a pea in the world of social media. So I realize what I see and who I interact with is a small portion of people in this world. With that said I am lucky to be in the circle of, in my opinion the most amazingly strong willed, loud voiced, factual and passionate people I have ever met. Some I have never met in real life whom I have been friends with going on a decade, some are people I’ve met in my journey of life/career and a small portion are those I call my real life buddies. Regardless of the relationship with this women/people, they inspire me.

 

I spend a good portion of my chill time/alone time/me time (whatever you want to call it), with my phone in front of my face scrolling and reading. Often times I will read a post of one of these inspiring people and I will sit in awe. As all humans do; I find myself comparing myself to their life. I question what happened to them in their world that made them that passionate individual? What caused them to stand for something like “that”? I will even say to myself “wow, I wish I had something I could stand for” and “something I can put my all into”.

 

It’s almost like I begin to put myself down in a way, as if I am not a good enough mom, or I’m not a good enough member of our society or that I must be lacking some form of compassion, empathy or drive. I even begin to question my own parents, parenting. Why didn’t they instill some type of cause to fight for in me?! Why didn’t their parents? The cycle of thoughts can go on and on but recently these thoughts have been met with a sudden thought of clarity.

 

Just a minute, hold on… that is THEIR path. That is what they feel passionate about. That isn’t who I AM. I am me. Lynsey. I’m a mom, wife, daughter, full time career woman, housekeeper and I assure you the list could go on and on. So what if I can’t save the world from drugs, vaccines, GMO or the campaign to “GO GREEN”. I definitely am not going to change the worlds beliefs on topics such as abortion, immigration, education or unemployment in our country. There are some who may look at those statements as pessimistic, like I’m doubting myself, but I must pick and choose my own battles on my own scale. I acknowledge that I wasn’t born with a voice on that level.

 

What matters to me is that, in the walls of my house – the little humans I am raising know what is right, and what is wrong. I care that they will be prepared for what that life (with all of the above issues going on) is tough/miserable/ugly/cruel. I am teaching them that you look out for people around you, you lend a helping hand, you stand with integrity even though it might not be the “cool” thing to do. They will know that their word is their bond, when you start something you finish it and you put your all into what you choose to do. No quitting, no excuses and no whining. You will be kind, accepting and forgiving.  They will learn that no one is better than anyone else, we are equals. The words that I hope ring in their ears as they journey through their life, “Never back down from something you feel strongly about in your heart”.

 

These are the things that are important to me. Those two little girls of mine are my passion. Because one day either of them may see something they don’t like and they will decide to fight against popular belief and feel the passion that I so desperately wished for. I may not have been chosen to be the voice I am envious of in my friends, but I sure as hell plan to give those tools to my daughters just like my parents did with me. They gave me the tools I needed to make being a mom, my priority and passion!  

 

So I ask myself, What do I stand for?? I stand for my children’s future!