The journey with my other half – depression

I would say that 6 days out of 7 I have a constant inner argument with myself about staying motivated. I’m running out of excuses to stay tucked away in my bed weekend after weekend or pressing snooze on my alarm clock every. single. day. It’s becoming even  more depressing then it has the past few years of my life. The excuse of “i just don’t feel good” or “mommy had a hard week at work” or “daddy needs to do more around the house instead of me”…. I have run out of things to say so all there is, is… “i’m too tired to move” and the ones that are suffering the most are my children and that saddens me to the core, even more!

If you have read my previous blogs you will know that I have talked about suffering from depression a big portion of my life. I would say that the last 3 years have been the most awful form of depression I have felt in my life and I have no idea how to explain why or where it comes from.

This is such an on again off again battle to try and be someone that I just don’t have the energy to be. There is a person inside of me who I miss very much. On the weekends I used to wake up with a pep in my step, drink my coffee and get to going on the daily chores I needed to do. I remember being extremely motivated after work, so much that I wouldn’t even sit down from the time I walked in the door until I read my girls their bed time stories.

Now though, now I can’t seem to get the energy to even change my clothes after work. I can’t even find the motivation to cook my children a well balanced meal. I can’t even find the motivation to take the folded laundry up the 15 stairs to my girl’s bedrooms. I simply just want to sit on the couch and dwell on all the things I have no energy to do.

I am writing this smack dab in the middle of my depression and I cannot find a way to come out from under this wave. I wish I were writing this blog with the outlook of someone whom has discovered the answers and is looking back on a life long past.

I have good days – sometimes. Just two weeks ago I had a good 3 days in a row where I was happy, energized, motivated and ready to get things done, but right as those good days passed onto the next – I became a recluse.

I know the answer: go talk to someone, work out, eat healthy, and erase all the negatives in your life, but I’m scared. You know… that social anxiety that screams at me every day?? It won’t let me go talk to a stranger… A STRANGER!! I’m terrified.

I just keep living this life trying to find a way to cope with these feelings or push my way thru these feelings. I tell myself “one day at a time” or “get over this – you’re being ridiculous”.

 

I cant step out from under this dark cloud and I’m losing all of my joy and who I AM.

I can’t do this anymore

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