By now it’s no secret that Alexis has autism. I can see it in her every day life; the small signs of autism rearing it’s characteristics in my daughter.
The confusion on her face when she sees someones reaction.
The mirror of someone’s expression I see on her face.
I see the confusion when she thinks she is supposed to be laughing, but the person she is communicating with is upset.
Her interaction with children her age is more a parallel play ground than playing with them.
The melt downs, the crying, the confusion, the frustration, the transition from one thing to another, the anger when she isn’t ready or doesn’t have enough warning about things changing.
Routines gone bad.
It’s all triggers for my girl, it’s all there yet so mild that most think of her as a goofy 5 year old. A hyper fun silly and unique 5 year old. Trust me, I see it too. Her awkwardness and silliness to those around her causes her to act out and most of the time you can’t help but laugh at her silly statements or the confused answers she gives. It’s easy to chalk it up to laughter and silliness, but it’s deeper than that.
Being around family over this past Holiday season was not only an eye opener, but a reminder that most view her as a “normal” kindergartner and probably question what in the world this “autism” diagnosis has to do with their little niece, grand daughter, cousin and friend.
What you don’t see is our behind the scenes and the way I know my daughter. When you come in for a hug and she is in a world of hurt not expecting that. She may run away, she may scream in pain and most of the time, when she receives unwanted affection, she screams.
Autism shows it’s head every day and with out warning, but what causes her most distress is the diagnosed ADHD symptoms. She spins, she role plays, she reacts, she thinks, she hums, she sings and she moves… constantly. There is no off button, and there is no telling her to stop. To have no control over ones own body must be infuriating. To hear her cries and screams “I CAN’T CONTROL MY BODY” not only hurts to hear, but hurts to watch.
Over the last couple weeks it’s been a painful realization that not only does Alexis have Autism, but she is also going to suffer from ADHD. I guess a part of me has always known this, but the fear of what the doctors are going to suggest when we receive this official word is terrifying. MEDICATION!!
How can I medicate a 5 year old who only weighs 40lbs? She’s my little baby.
I put off what needs to happen, the doctor appointments, the therapies because I’m scared but I am doing NO GOOD with this procrastination of the inevitable.
So here we go, into 2017 with a year full of doctor visits, evaluations, debates over medication or not, therapies. In the long run these things are all good. She is so young and we are getting a head start on her future and for that I am so thankful. But I’m scared.